I became pregnant 3 months after I lost my son TJ. Among other emotions and thoughts, my main thought throughout that pregnancy was to make it to the end of my pregnancy and to hold a living, healthy baby. I skipped learning the gender of my baby because I personally believe people make having a daughter a negative thing. That pregnancy was so personal to me, that I refused to have any negative conversations or thoughts surrounding it. But if I’m being honest, my anxiety and worry didn’t end once I held my son and rainbow blessing in my arms.
I had the immediate relief of “Yes. My baby is here!” I whaled when I held him in my arms and thanked God repeatedly, but a part of me still worried if it was too good to be true. I loved the sound of my son’s cry because it was an indicator that he was alive. When he slept for “too long” I worried. Why? Because when you become immersed in the pregnancy and baby loss community, your vail is removed. You learn that not all babies live after they are born. So I operated the same way I did when I was pregnant. I didn’t share many pictures of when my son was born. I didn’t talk about how he was born for a long time because I was still a little paranoid. What if I share the news of my baby’s arrival, and then I have to quickly share that he’s no longer here? But… THERAPY & GOD.
My therapist challenged me to stop my intrusive thoughts as quickly as I could. My intrusive thought would tell me “So many moms have birthed their rainbow babies who are no longer here on earth.” I would intentionally remind myself of what my reality was. “My son is here, alive, and healthy. I am grateful for his existence.”
I am very aware that everyone’s healing journey is not the same. For some women, the worry ends the moment they birth their healthy rainbow baby/babies. For me, it took me a little longer to accept that my baby wouldn’t be taken away from me again. I was still learning to trust God again. I had to take baby steps and have my support system remind me that my baby was here, alive, and well. What I appreciate the most was that my support system didn’t invalidate my feelings and tell me to “let it go, it’s not that big a deal.”
So does the fear disappear after having a rainbow baby? As with everything in life, it varies per person. Give yourself time and grace. Surround yourself with supportive loved ones and a village. Keep up with your therapy sessions so that you have help navigating motherhood after loss. Restore your faith and trust in God. Separate your fears from reality, and affirm yourself and your babies each day. By babies, I mean angel, rainbow, miracle, or whatever you deem appropriate.
I affirm that my son, Tobias, is alive and healthy. God has blessed me to hold him every day.
My son TJ,
I know that God gave you healing in heaven with him. You are safe in His arms.