Triggered, But Need Community

Experiencing a miscarriage can leave you feeling so alone. You can be surrounded by so much love and still feel physically alone. You feel empty. It doesn’t matter how early your baby/babies leave your body, you feel the difference when they’re gone. I felt like I was the only person who’d experienced that sort of loss and I yearned to connect with someone who knew what I was going through. My husband was the only one I could describe in detail what I was going through, but I still held back because I knew he was also grieving. 

I prayed and talked to God about the pain I was experiencing and my need to speak with someone or people who’d be vulnerable and transparent about their loss(es). Unfortunately, I had about three friends who’d experienced miscarriages before, but I didn’t want to trigger any emotions in them. They were either pregnant with their rainbow babies or trying to conceive so I kept my question to a minimum, “How did you get through the grief?”. But I craved more. I wanted to hear the details of another mother’s loss so that I could also openly share my experience with them. I needed to know I wasn’t crazy or being dramatic for responding the way I was to the death of my baby. Eventually, God would send someone my way. It was a woman I’d never met, and through an online conference. She made a comment, and I immediately put myself out there by reaching out to her. 

This was a risky conversation to have, and I talked about it with my therapist a lot. She was pregnant with her golden child (pot of gold after the rainbow), and I didn’t want to trigger her with my questions. On the other hand, I wasn’t entirely sure I was ready to hear about another woman’s traumatic loss without being triggered myself. But I needed the community. I needed the connection. My therapist coached me by saying, “You’ll never know what she’s willing to share if you don’t ask. She’ll let you know what she’s not comfortable talking about.” And wow… She was a blessing indeed. She welcomed me with open arms to a piece of motherhood that we both wish we hadn’t experienced.

Soon after speaking with her, I sought out Instagram pages and Facebook groups. I’d finally found my community, but was not prepared for how triggering it could be on certain days. I had to set boundaries and only visit those pages when I was mentally and emotionally capable of handling the experiences of the other women. There were so many willingly open to sharing their stories and I couldn’t believe it. I’m working on gathering the courage to connect with other women in person. 

If you have and/or are experiencing a loss of pregnancy no matter the way (ie. miscarriage, stillbirth, and more), if you’re trying to conceive, if you’re experiencing infertility and open to it, I encourage you to find community. While it may be triggering in many ways, you need it. You don’t wish the pain and grief on another woman, and you wish it wasn’t something you related to, but you’ll find yourself grateful you’re not alone.

Dear TJ, 

Losing you pushed me into my purpose. I wish I could’ve accomplished all these things with you here.

Love, Mommy…

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I had a miscarriage…

It’s much easier to type those words than to speak them aloud, but it’s true. In April 2020, I suffered a miscarriage, and it has completely changed me. I couldn’t and still can’t believe it happened. No shade to other women who have experienced this painful, life-changing event, but I never imagined it would happen to me. No woman ever believes it’ll happen to her. Here I am, a mother of two healthy, living children that were birthed with no complications. How could this happen to me?

When you become pregnant, there is a taboo around sharing the news of your pregnancy before 12 weeks because statistics show that early miscarriage is very common. I always followed the pattern of not sharing before 12 weeks. Honestly, I never say anything before 5 months of pregnancy. With my third pregnancy, I was planning on doing the same thing. I would be sharing the news of my pregnancy at the end of May 2020, only to have lost my beautiful child at the end of April. 

Unlike some women (my heart goes out to those struggling to conceive), my husband and I weren’t trying to conceive a child. We were practicing natural family planning. I had no idea I was pregnant until I was almost through the first trimester. As soon as I began to accept our reality and became excited, my pregnancy began to end. My heart was shattered. I’m still shattered. I’ve condemned myself over and over again for still mourning my angel. Feeling as though I’m being dramatic. But God… But my husband… But therapy… they help me so much. 

In general, I am not one who copes with the death of a loved one very well. So when I lost my child… it ended me. It ended the woman I once knew, was, and was becoming. Why would God allow this to happen to me? I wasn’t even trying to get pregnant, so why let it happen to only put me through pain? I was so angry with God. I felt abandoned by Him. I couldn’t understand Him. I felt disconnected from Him. However, I didn’t know what else to do so I continued to pray. I continued to ask Him for help. Cried out to Him endlessly. I told Him how much He hurt me every day. I felt like he’d broken me. 

I knew about miscarriages, but I wasn’t educated. When I was in the beginning stages of my loss, I immediately thought of my friend who’d shared her experience with me. I couldn’t remember what I had said to her, but I knew that I owed her an apology. I knew that I didn’t have a true understanding of the impact the loss of pregnancy had on a woman, so I knew I probably offered very insensitive and unsolicited advice. I knew this because everything everyone (with the exception of a few) has said to me throughout this healing journey was completely hurtful and unhelpful. It wasn’t what I wanted nor needed to hear to “feel better.” 

For the most part, pregnancy and infant loss is a taboo topic. No one talks about it, many women sit in silence as they mourn, and others are shamed for sharing their pain publicly. People only want to see the beauty of pregnancy, and that completely dismisses the community of women who are still mothers to precious angels they didn’t get enough time with. Many people will minimize the amount of pain a woman feels when losing a child if she experienced her loss early in pregnancy. A loss is a loss. Women experience pregnancy loss differently. Some women have no idea they’ve lost their baby until an ultrasound confirms no heartbeat, while others experience bleeding and cramping. Some have to get surgery to clear out their uterus, while others give birth to their lifeless child over a toilet. Some women experience labor in a hospital bed only to hold their baby for minutes to an hour. There are so many variables. 

I tried posting to social media as normal for months. Pretending like nothing had happened and that I was ok. Posting pictures with fake smiles and laughs while suffering from anxiety and bouts of depression. It’ll be a year since my miscarriage in 4 weeks. I still have so much to say and share. This is the first time in a long time where my fingers just simply went to work on the keyboard. I tried so hard to blog last year, but I couldn’t. The topics meant nothing to me because I felt like my life was falling apart. I had fallen apart. So if this post is all over the place, forgive me. I literally picked up my computer and just poured out my heart. I will be sharing MUCH more as so much has happened in a year, and I’m beginning to feel encouraged and excited about life again. 

I came across a Facebook post from a woman that I felt stole the words right from my heart. She spoke my experience so clearly. I feel seen every time I read it. I hope it touches you and brings a little more enlightenment to you.

“No one talks about the messy parts of miscarriage. No one talks about the painful details. No one talks about the cramping, the labor, the bleeding, the postpartum hormones raging-all without a sweet snuggly baby as a reward. No one talks about the “products of miscarriage.” The baby that comes out of you, just as it would full grown… only much, much smaller. The placenta. The blood. The horrendous pain and wearing of what feels like diapers 24/7 for days or even weeks. No one talks about what you should do with the tiny, perfectly formed body you just birthed. If it’s under a certain ‘gestational age’ it’s left up to you. Do you bury it? Do you cremate? Do you toss it in the garbage?! Do you flush?! If it landed in the toilet? What do you do?! And why doesn’t anyone tell you these are decisions you will have to make? Why doesn’t anyone speak up? No one should have to make a decision like that in the moment of extreme emotion, trauma, and pain. No one should have to look back and wish they had done something differently. Wished they had known there were options. We need to do things differently. When I was pregnant with my oldest, and especially after his labor & postpartum, I remember thinking “why didn’t anyone tell me it would be like this?” And here I am again. On the other side, wondering “why no one ever told me it would be like this?” So, I’m here. I’m standing up. If you ever find yourself in this horrible place… reach out to me. I will share the messy parts, the hard parts, the important decisions and moments of grief, pain, and healing to come. I will speak up.” -Annalise Washburn

10 Reasons to Hire a Doula

I always imagined that whenever I got pregnant, it would be planned, and that it would be like every pregnancy/labor & delivery scene you’ve seen in a TV show or movie. It would go something like, “Oh my God, I think my water just broke!” Then I immediately break out into a hysterical scream and go into my routine Lamaze breathing. Moments later, I hear my beautiful baby cry. I’ve been pregnant twice, and each time they were unplanned and the complete opposite of those movie scenes. I was 21 and uneducated about pregnancy and birth my first go, and I made a promise to myself that the next time around I would be prepared to take charge and have the experience that I desired. Whether your pregnancy has been planned or spur of the moment, whether you’re teenager or middle-aged woman, having a doula present during pregnancy experience is essential. If you’re having a planned or emergency Cesarean (C-section), a hospital or homebirth, having a doula present is vital. Society has hidden the importance of a doula and education regarding them; therefore women now see doulas as an option rather than a necessity. While there are numerous reasons why a pregnant mama should hire a doula, here are 10.

 

All About the Mama- A doula’s sole purpose is to meet the needs of the mother. She is there to nurture and provide support throughout the labor and delivery process, regardless of any procedures or environment changes. Your doula’s main agenda is to be by your side, comforting you emotionally and physically. If you have a partner present, they will incorporate them in soothing techniques such as massages, using a rebozo, delivery positions and more. Your doula is for you and only you. Not the hospital, doctor, nurse, or your mother-in-law; unless they are your support person.

On-Call Support- Your doula isn’t just there to support you during labor and delivery; they are there throughout your pregnancy as well. If you allow, doulas are present when and if you’re planning to become pregnant, at your prenatal appointments, or providing you with evidence based research in order to ensure that you are knowledgeable about your body and your baby. Just like technology, the medical field and their practices are constantly changing. You could have given birth two years ago and find yourself confused at every appointment in your current pregnancy.  In my case, my children are six years apart. I remember one of the midwives on my team telling me that they now suggest pregnant women get the Tdap vaccine while the baby is still in utero. They say that the antibodies immediately begin to work on their immune system to protect them for the first two months of life. Welp, six years ago, that was unheard of, and I was not comfortable saying ‘yes’ to a vaccination that I hadn’t learned about previously. I quickly notified my doula, and she immediately sent me over evidence based research on the vaccine. I didn’t have to plan or wait for the right time to call her to get the information I needed.

Resources- As a society, it has become normal to just go with the flow, popularity and with fads. We are among a popcorn society; one that believes in everything moving at the speed of light. It is unhealthy for a pregnant woman to rush her pregnancy, labor and delivery, and healing after birth. You have to take a step back and really think about what your mind, body and soul are experiencing during these times. Having resources readily available is important, and your doula will point you in the right direction. When you are in the market of buying a home, car or working on a new job, one does not go into that process blindsided. In most cases, you have done your research and have learned as much as you could because of how big of an investment it is. Giving birth and bringing life into this world is one of the biggest investments you will ever make. A doula reminds you of this and offers so many helpful resources that are personalized for you. Each person is different and may not need the same resources, so it helps having someone to be by your side helping you sort through the overwhelming information that is out there for pregnant women.

Holistic Health- Doulas truly believe in the overall health of the mother and child(ren). That is the mental, physical and spiritual health, rather than just the physical aspect alone. Many women often think of pregnancy as only prenatal visits, sonograms, blood work, weight watching, and more. While those come along with pregnancy, it is so much more than that. Having a healthy pregnancy and baby means taking care of yourself mentally, physically and emotionally. Your doula can assist you in your nutrition, healthy material to read, suggestions for activities that help you to remain active and some to incorporate your family, stretches that will help ease the aches, natural ways to aid in getting the sleep you need, etc. In addition to those mentioned, women who have suffered from miscarriage, stillbirth and/or infant loss benefit from the holistic approach of a doula.

Medical Health-I will never forget my visit with a high-risk doctor during my first pregnancy. I couldn’t even begin to tell you how many times the possible death of either me or my daughter was mentioned during that visit. A direct quote from him was “Giving birth is a moment of either life or death.” One of the main objectives of a doula is to decrease the maternal death rate. Black women are three times more likely to die during childbirth, and many natural birth workers believe it is due to the medical interventions, and/or lack of proper care that take place during labor and delivery. For every medical intervention that a doctor will recommend, your doula has a natural option to combat it with. A few examples of this are natural induction versus medical induction, changing the position of a breached baby, and avoiding an episiotomy and/or tearing of the perineum. In some cases, a medical intervention cannot be avoided in order to help save the mom and baby, but even in those moments your doula being present can help change a negative situation into a positive one.

Advocacy- If you’re delivering in a hospital you will most likely experience the shift changes of nurses and doctors. When you’re in labor, talking is the furthest thing from your mind. Your main focus is to get through each contraction (or whatever positive word replacement you choose). Depending on what hospital you deliver at and who the delivery team is, you unfortunately may experience some form of discomfort. Having a doula present will bring about a sense of calmness and relief among you and your partner. If needed, they will bridge the gap of communication between you and the doctor; ask any questions you may have, help reinforce your birth plan and more. Women are often given little information about procedures during labor and delivery and a doula will advocate for you to have the birth that you desire.

Comfort. Confidence. Judgment Free (C.C.J.F)-When pregnant, you experience a lot of things that make you feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. They can range from extreme gas, constipation, a weak bladder and more. No matter how embarrassing it may be, they’ve witnessed it all before. You may also have differing views from other mothers. Maybe you’d rather give your child all the vaccinations that the doctors recommend or you won’t vaccinate them at all. Your doula provides a judgment-free zone. Whatever choices you are making for your family, as long as they do not cause blatant harm, your doula will support and make you feel confident about it.

Breastfeeding (Intro)-When giving birth to your little one, you have the option of breastfeeding or bottle feeding (formula). If you choose to breastfeed, I can’t stress enough how support is needed from the very start in order to be successful at it. From getting the baby to latch, finding a comfortable position to nurse in, recognizing baby hunger cues and more, doulas will assist. While there are lactation specialists who can go in-depth, if you’ve delivered in a hospital, there’s no telling when the expert will make their way to you. Having a doula to aid you in the meantime relieves you of the stress of hearing your newborn baby scream because they’re hungry and you can’t get them to latch on to your breast.  In some cases, your doula may be a certified lactation expert, in which you have hit the jackpot.

Postpartum Health-As I’ve stated before, doulas are there for the long haul. They don’t just disappear after the umbilical cord is cut (if you choose to do so). They will make house visits, scheduled and as needed. While pregnant, people are checking up on you to make sure you’ve eaten, to see if you’ve gotten any rest and to see if you’re feeling okay in general. Often times, those calls stop after the first week of your postpartum journey. I recently saw a mom at my daughter’s school picking up her older child only four days after giving birth to her newborn who was with her. I’m not sure if she preferred to be superwoman and do it herself, or if she had no choice. In that scenario, a doula would have made sure to accommodate the newborn while she ran out to handle her duties. While women are strong, we still need to be cared for during the fourth trimester. Whether it is your first or fourth time, support is needed. It is so easy to forget to shower, brush your teeth or eat when caring for a newborn. You’re trying so hard to soothe your baby’s cries, and you haven’t noticed that you’ve been holding your pee for the past hour. You find yourself so tired from the lack of sleep, washing clothes, cooking and cleaning is the last thing you want to do. There’s a doula for that. Postpartum depression is also very real, and having a doula may help with the onset of the blues.

Family Support- If you are bringing a newborn into an already established family with one or more children already present, the transition can be a little intense. Children can feel neglected, jealous, confused, and more. Having a doula present can help facilitate family bonding and show you ways to keep all members involved in caring for the new baby and you.

All in all, doulas are not doormats or people you take advantage of, but are individuals that there for you in every way possible. Having one is a necessity, not an option or accessory!